and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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