i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
