It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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