So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
