i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
