She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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