so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
