When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
