Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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