i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
