i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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