Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
