Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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