maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
