Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
