I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
