I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
