Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
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