Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
