Ambien. No doubt about it.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
