these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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