just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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