My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
