do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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