you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
