Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
