Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
My feet surprised me
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
