ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
