I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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