so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
