My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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