another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
