hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
