Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
