you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
