i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
