Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
