So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
