So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
