I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
