Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
