I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
