I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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