Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
