I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
