Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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