dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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