I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
two words: eviction party
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
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Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
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I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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