the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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