I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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