if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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