Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.