Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
31 People Admit To Nasty Things They Do On The Reg
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.