so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.